Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?

A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.

The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.

Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.

The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ”George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?”

George replies, ”Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.”

”Well,” one of the employees questioned, ”What happens if she is laying on her back?” George replies, ”Then I am 10 minutes late.”

An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”

The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I’m not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!
Doc: Do you drink a lot?
Not really – I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.
Then you’ll have a bad headache.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m God!
Doc: When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the…

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doc: I never make rash promises!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a frog!
Doc: So what’s wrong with that?
I think I’m going to croak!

One day, a guy with a horrible stuttering problem went to his doctor.
“D-d-d-docter, is t-t-t-there anything t-t-that you c-c-c-can do for my stuttering?”

“Hop on to the table, and I’ll give you an exam.”

After the physical was over, the doctor told his patient that he thought he knew what the cause of his problem was.

“It seems that your penis is too long. There is a simple surgery that can be done to correct it, but your sex life might be greatly affected.”

“I d-d-d-don’t c-c-c-care. I’ll d-d-d-do anyt-t-thing it t-t-takes.”

So the man went in for surgery, and it was sucessful. He came back into the doctor’s office a couple of weeks later.

“Doctor, I don’t stutter anymore, but my girlfriend’s really mad at me. Do you think that there’s any way to get it reattached?”

“I d-d-d-don’t t-t-t-think s-s-s-so”

An elderly woman goes to the doctor. She says, “Doc, it’s terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it’s odorless and silent, otherwise I’d be mortified. For example, I’ve passed gas ten times just since we’ve been talking, but it’s odorless and silent so you can’t tell.” The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.
The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says, “Doc, there’s been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while it’s still silent, now it smells terrible!”

The doctor says, “Well, I’m glad we cleared up your sinus blockage,now we’ll have to work on your hearing.”

Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

A man with stomach trouble wanted to try the newly introduced automated diagnosis machine at the shopping centre. He inserted his credit card an a urine sample as instructed, waited 30 seconds and then read the printout: “You have a tennis elbow”. The man was impressed, but at the same time annoyed as his arms were perfectly alright. He decided really to put the machine to the test, so he went home and collected urine samples from his wife and his cat, and for good measure added the contents of a used condom. He returned to the machine, inserted his credit card and the combined sample. After 30 seconds the printout read: “Your cat is going to have kittens, your wife is perfectly healthy, but you should quit masturbating when you have a tennis elbow.”

Kim is a young lad, just potty trained. When he goes to the wash room , he is able to hit everything except the toilet. So his mom has to clean up the toilet after everytime he went. After about 2 weeks, she has had enough, and finally decided to take Kim to their family doctor for examination.

After the examination, the doctor said, “His unit is too small. An old wives’ tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight.”

The next morning Kim jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.

“Mom!” Kim yells. “The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast.”

“I know.” said his mother. “The other ten are for your father.”

How does herpes leave the hospital?
On crotches.