LAW 1: Golf carts always run out of power at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 2: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.

LAW 3: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 4: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3).

LAW 5: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 6: “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.” Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”

LAW 7: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 8: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 9: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 10: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset.

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn’t even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, “Whoa! What are we going to do?”

Said the other ant: “I don’t know about you, but I’m going to get on the ball.”

rishman trying to learn golf and having a terrible time of it. “I’d give just about anything to get this right!” he says aloud.

Straight on the Devil appears and says “Anything?”

“Well, short of selling my soul, yes.”

“How about giving up sex for the rest of your life?”

“Done and done!” He finishes the game in rare good form and rumor of his deal spreads thru the clubhouse. One of the members, a reporter, sees a story here and asks him, “Sir, is it true you made a deal with the Devil to become a great golfer?”

“True, enough.”

“And you gave up sex as your part of the bargain?”

“True again!”

“And may I have your name, sir?”

“Certainly. Father Mike O’Ryan.”

Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a fellow club member, “I’m not about to play golf with Jim Walsh anymore. He cheats.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green.”

“That’s possible.”

“Not when I had it in my pocket!”

A golfer is playing a round of golf with his buddies. On the sixth hole he proceeds to splash five balls in a row into the water.

Frustrated over his poor golfing ability, and about ready to hit somebody, he heaves his golf clubs into the water, and begins to walk off the course.

Then all of a sudden he turns around and jumps back in the lake, his buddies apparently thinking he is going to retrieve his clubs.

When he comes out of the water he doesn’t have his clubs and begins to walk off the course.

One of his buddies asks, “Why did you jump into the lake?”

He responds, “I left my car keys in the bag.”

A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.

A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week’s stay, the Texan said, “Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I’ll get it for you.”

“Well,” said the doctor, “I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine.” With that the physician left.

The doctor didn’t hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire.

“Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn’t have swimming pools, and I didn’t think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they’re all ready for you now!”

A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole son?”

The young man says, “An eight iron, father. How about you?”

The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”

The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, “I don’t know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.”

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he got, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do. The urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant and told him that he was sick and could not attend church. Then he packed up the car, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, “Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he’s doing.” God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung, and the ball sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A perfect hole-in-one. The preacher was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.”

God smiled. “Think about it — who can he tell?”

How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad, I couldn’t see where the ball went.”

“You’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife. “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”

“But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“Yes, but he’s got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you,” Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Did you see where it went?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answered.

“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I forgot.”

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.

Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

“Now what?”, the fellow asked the speechless pro.

“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

The retiree replied, “Oh great! NOW you tell me!”