This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a large pond. Across the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff. The wife turns to hubby and say, “I could really go for an ice cream cone.”

Hubby replies, “Well, I’ll go get you one.”

Wife says, “But, you’ll forget, you better write it down.”

Hubby replies, “No I won’t; what do you want?”

Wife says, “Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles.”

Hubby replies, “Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I’ll remember.

Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns.

The wife asks him, “What took you so long, did you get lost.”

The hubby replies, “No, and I got what you wanted.”

The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries?!

Wife says, “I knew you should have written the order down.”

Hubby says, “What do you mean – every thing is there?”

To which the wife replies, “No, it’s not…look, you forgot the pickles!”

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love.

When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, “He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on. ” So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.

She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband  returned, apologizing for taking so long,  he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a “Happy Birthday”!!!

Three guys who were lost at sea ended up landing on an unfamiliar island. After wandering around for a while, a group of natives picked them up and took them to their hut. The chief came up to them and said, “We will let you live, if you can go out into the jungle and bring me 10 pieces of fruit.” So the men agree and take off. The first guy brings back 10 apples and places them before the chief. “Now, you must stick the apples up your ass and not show a bit of emotion, or else we will kill you.” The guy got one, and on the second, he flinched and was killed. The second guy walks up and shows the chief 10 berries. He is given the same task and makes it up to 8 and then begins to laugh histerically. He is also killed. When the second guy gets to heaven and meets up with the first, the first asks him “You almost had it! Why did you laugh??” The second replies, “I couldnt help it. I got the 8th up there and saw the other guy walking up with pineapples.”

Their once was a Princess who fell in love with an indian, but still wasn’t happy because he had accomplished nothing in his life. One day in the paper the princess read of an herbal tea drinking contest. Suprisingly the in Indian was very good at this and decided to enter. The contest began and soon it was down to the indian and another man,they both drank 32 gallons of tea. Finally after 34 gallons the other man dropped out and the indian won, by drinking 35 gallons of herbal tea. After celebrating, the indian went to sleep with the trophy in his hands and….that night he drowned in his teapee!

Arab Coffee: Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups at gunpoint, or found in graduate student’s offices.

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Frying Pan: Standard instrument of destruction for eggs, pancakes, and various vegetable matter. Remains may be removed from surface with diluted solution of sulfuric acid.

Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words “Putrid,” “hORRId,” and “sluDGE.”

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat.

Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.”

The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”

There were three jazz players getting ready for a concert. One got done early so he went to a Burger King. He went up to the manager who got mad easily and said,”I want a burger 2,3,4, a juicy burger 2,3,4, not too juicy and not too plain in the grove 2,3,4, in the grove 2,3,4.” The manager decided not to let this guy bother him. Now the second jazz player comes in and says,”I want some fries 2,3,4, some salty fries 2,3,4, not too salty and not too plain in the grove 2,3,4, in the grove 2,3,4.” Now the manager is mad and says,”If one more person comes in here and sings that stupid joke I’m going to scream!” So the third jazz player comes in and says,”I want a soda 2,3,4, a fizzy soda 2,3,4, not too fizzy and not too plain in the grove 2,3,4, in the grove 2,3,4. Now the manager is furious and turns around, takes off his apron and says,”Kiss my butt 2,3,4, my hairy butt 2,3,4, not to the left and not to the right in the grove 2,3,4, in the grove 2,3,4!

Two hobo’s are walking down railroad tracks, haven’t eaten in a couple days, and are starving. Ahead of them, lying on the tracks, is a dead buzzard….maggots crawling all over the badly decomposed bird…green flies swarming the stinking mass. Stopping to stare at the smelly thing, one hobo says, “Let’s eat this bastard.” The other hobo says, “Naw, I’m gonna wait and have a HOT meal.” The first hobo replies, “Well, I’m too damned hungry to wait, I’m eatin’ this fuckin’ buzzard”. The second hobo says, “Suit yourself, but I ain’t waitin’ on you”, and starts down the tracks again. Ravenously, the first hobo begins stuffing the rotton bird into his mouth. After licking the last maggot from his lips, he looks down the tracks and sees his buddy….by now about a mile away… and takes off running to catch up. After running 10 minutes in the hot August sun, the hobo catches up to his buddy…..sweating…panting….stomach churning from the rotten buzzard he’d just eaten. Suddenly he begins to puke….every bit of the rotten buzzard is now laying in a putrid mass on the tracks. The second hobo smiles at the first hobo and says, “See?? I told you I was gonna wait for a HOT meal”.

A worried man goes to his doctor and explains, “Doc, there’s something seriously wrong with my digestive system!” “If I eat carrots, when I go to the bathroom, out comes carrots! If I eat peas, I take a dump, out comes peas! I eat apples and I poop apples! I’m worried, Doc; What do you suggest?” The doctor said calmly, “No problem, eat poo.”

1) You can GET chocolate.

2) “If you love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate.

3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind.

Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9) The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate.

10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12) You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13) With chocolate there’s no need to fake it.

14) Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.

15) You can have chocolate at anytime of the month.

16) Good chocolate is easy to find.

17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20) With chocolate size doesn’t matter.