TOP TEN SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER

1. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.

2. You check out their address, and it’s a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.

3. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.

4. Their proud boast: “We’ve been on the Internet since it was CB radio.”

5. Their promo materials use the words “information” and “superhighway” in the same sentence.

6. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, email, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks “Would you like fries with that?”

7. “As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports.”

8. “Access speeds up to 9,600 BPS in most areas.”

9. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.

10. They charge by the word.

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

3. Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

6. Windows message: ”Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”

7. This is a message from God Gates: ”Rebooting the world. Please log off.”

8. To ‘’shut down” your system, type ”WIN”

9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.

10. COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

15. User Error: Replace user.

16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 – ”Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”

17. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

Never write a line of code that someone else can understand.

Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Use long counter intuitive names. Don’t ever code “a=b”, rather do something like:

AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm));

Type fast, think slow.

Never use direct references to anything ever. Bury everything in macros. Bury the macros in include files. Reference those include files indirectly from other include files. Use macros to reference those include files.

Never include a comment that will help someone else understand your code. If they understand it, they don’t need you.

Never generate new sources. Always ifdef the old ones. Every binary in the world should be generated from the same sources.

Never archive all the sources necessary to build a binary. Always hide on your own disk. If they can build your binary, they don’t need you.

Never code a function to return a value. All functions must return a pointer to a structure which contains a pointer to a value.

Never discuss things in concrete terms. Always speak in abstract. If they can understand you, they don’t need you.

Never complete a project on time. If you do, they will think it was easy and anyone can do it and they don’t need you.

When someone stops by your office to ask a question, talk forever but don’t answer the question. If they get their questions answered they don’t need you.

Load all sentences either written or spoken with alphabet soup. When someone asks you out to lunch, reply:

“I can’t because I’ve almost got my RISC-based OSI/TCP/IP client connected by BIBUS VMS VAX using SMTP over TCP sending SNMP inquiry results to be encapsulated in UDP packets for transmission to a SUN 4/280 NFS 4.3 BSD with release.6 of RPC/XDR supporting our ONC effort working.” Never clean your office. Absolutely never throw away an old listing.

Never say hello to someone in hallway. Absolutely never address someone by name. If you must address someone by name, mumble or use the wrong name. Always maintain the mystique of being spaced out from concentrating on complex logic.

Never wear a shirt that matches your pants. Wear a wrinkled shirt whenever possible. Your shirt must never be tucked in completely. Button the top button without wearing a tie. This will maximize your mystique.

Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 to BOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0 (marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded FIANCE 1.0 to HUSBAND 1.0. They found that 1.0 is a memory hogger and incompatible to many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes plug-ins such as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS although market research has clearly shown that they are unnecessary and unwanted.
The upcoming BOYFRIEND 4.0 will change all that. Created by leading experts in the field and based upon years of research and classroom lectures, it includes the best of the old features, such as the HANDYMAN FUNCTION, and includes many new functions such as the OPTIONAL COMMITMENT FEATURE. Other immature functions, such as BEER GUZZLING and CAT CALLING have been removed, though they can still be found on FRATBOY 1.1

BOYFRIEND 4.0 will include:

- An AUTOMATIC REMINDER BUTTON AND PAY ATTENTION FEATURE (so I don’t have to repeat myself) – MINIMIZE BUTTON – SHUTDOWN FEATURE – SHOPPING FUNCTION – A BACK-UP ENERGY SUPPLY, so it won’t fall asleep after sex

- A LAUNDRY, COOKING, & HOUSECLEANING FUNCTION – DIAPER-CHANGING FUNCTION, for the more advanced users – A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE, so once it’s uninstalled it won’t come back – A MONOGAMY FEATURE – AUTOMATIC OVERRIDE that kicks in right before they’re about to say ANYTHING even remotely stupid

You Might Be Addicted to AOL if…

…..Tech Support calls “You” for help.
…..Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL
…..You have called out someone’s screen name while making love to your significant other.
…..You keep begging your friends to get an account so “we can hang out”
…..you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino’s
…..you’ve ever typed “drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone”
…..you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it
…..you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences
…..you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing
…..when someone says “What did you say?” you reply “Scroll up!”
…..you sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
…..you know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your own family’s.
…..you lie to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook
…..you have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own
…..you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night on-line)
…..you’re broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one
…..you marry your cyberboyfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room
…..you type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time
…..you won’t work at a job that doesn’t have a modem involved
….you sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists
….you look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy
….you have withdrawls if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours
….you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one…hehehe)
….your buddy list has over 100 people on it
….you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on-line before you have your first cup of coffee
….you wait 6 hours online for a certain “special” person to sign on
….you don’t know where the time has gone
….you end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil.
….your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had
….you get up at 2am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead
….you don’t even notice anymore when someone has a typo
….when you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs or ***Kisses***
….you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme
….your voicemail/answering machine message is “BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL”
….you type faster than you think
….being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult
…you are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say “BRB” or “BBL”
….you spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room
…you’ve gone into an unstaffed tech support room and given tech support to other AOLers
….you have to be pryed from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life
…you meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name
…your last sexual experience was really just a “textual” experience

12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts:

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book…if I still remember how.

I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime … and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

There was this Hawaiian and fillipino man that wanted to learn how to hunt. So they met this indian man, the indian man took them to a forest and pitched a camp.

The next day they woke up the indian man came back with a huge bear over his shoulder. So the hawaiian and fillipino told the indian man how did you catch that bear the indian said when you go into the forest you look for the track and keep following it and there you will find what you are hunting for, so the hawaiian said my turn to go.

When he went into the forest he came back after two hours with a huge boar. so the fillipino man ask the Hawiian how you caught that Boar he said I did what the Indian said. So the next morning the fillipino got up and said it ’s my turn so he went and he saw the biggest track ever so he followed it , after two hours the fillipino never came back then all of a sudden they here the fillopino coming through the bushes all cut up brusded up they asked him what happend he said I did what you guys said I when follow the track and follow the track and the fricken train when bang me.

The ULTIMATE Email Quiz
———————–
I know we have done these before, but this really is theultimate quiz, it is worth a try
Think of a letter between A and W. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

”Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ‘95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before in your case; I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”

Bill replied, ”well, what’s the difference between the two?”

St. Peter said, ”I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”

”Fine, but where should I go first?”

”I’ll leave that up to you.”

”Okay then,” said Bill, ”Let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

”This is great!” he told St. Peter. ”If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!”

”Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

”Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter.

”Fine,” retorted St. Peter, ”as you desire.”

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

”How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, ”This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???”

”That was the demo,” replied St. Peter.