THE AL GORE Virus…
(Causes your computer to just keep counting.)

THE CLINTON Virus…
(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.)

THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus…
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus…
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.)

THE JESSE JACKSON virus…
(Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.)

THE MIKE TYSON virus…
(Quits after two bytes.)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus…
(Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to re-
stabilize around 200mb.)

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus…
(Deletes all old files.)

THE PROZAC virus…
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn’t care.)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus…
(Only attacks minor files.)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus…
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.)

And last but not least….THE LORENA BOBBITT virus…
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.)

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.

Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth’s ecological system was most important.

God looked to Al and said, ” I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand”. God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.

Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.

God responded, ” I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand”. God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly.

God asked “What is your problem Bill Gates?”

Bill responded ” I think you are sitting in my chair”.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator’s Society) if they ever get it organized.

What’s red and grey and hanging on the wall behind the sofa?
Kurt Cobain’s brain

What’s red and has more brains than Kurt Cobain?
The wall behind him.

What was Paul McCartney’s reaction to his wife’s death?
Live and let die.

How do you re-unite INXS?
Get 4 more leather belts.

Linda McCartney went from pushing vegetables…
To pushing up vegetables.

How did Frank Sinatra punish his kids?
No ice in their drinks.

What does Princess Di turn into at midnight?
The wall.