Max and Abe are relaxing on the beach in Miami and get around to discussing what their occupations were.
Max replied that he was retired from the hat business. Seems there was a fire and the insurance company paid $1 million and he retired to Florida.
When asked about Abe’s business, he replied that his was in women’s clothing, that he had a flood, and the insurance company paid him $3 million and he retired to Florida.
After about 10 minutes Max asked, “How do you start a flood?”

A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory.

But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.

Furious at the factory’s incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.

Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: “TURN THE BOX OVER.”

After many unhappy replies from our current vending service we decided that what they really needed was a different form letter that was more closely tied to their true feeling:

ABC Vending Service

Thank you for your (inquiry / comments / complaints) about our vending service.

___ We are aware that _____________ machine
has not been stocked in _____ days.
__ We are waiting for the weekend.
__ We are out of items that have expired.
__ We’re busy, don’t bother us about this.
__ We don’t care.

___ We are aware that the price for _______
seems high at $_______ but,
__ we have to make a living.
__ we use an algorithm 3*retail+your_age.
__ we charge others more.
__ we adjust it to allow for spoilage.

___ We are aware that
__ the sodas are warm
__ the milk is curdled
__ sandwiches are stale
__ gum is hard
__ candy bars are petrified
and assure you that that is
the way it is supposed to be, really.

___ We understand that
__ the bill changer can’t,
__ coin return won’t,
__ product selection doesn’t,
and believe that
__ you should relax, it all evens out.
__ learn to live with it.
__ bring in your own change next time.
__ be happy it gave you anything.
__ quit eating so much junk food.

Thank you and Happy Eating.

Administratrium, The New Element

AMES, IA–The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, butresults to date are not promising.

TO ALL EMPLOYEES
Due to increased competition and a keen desire to remain in business, we find it necessary to institute a new policy:

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY
We are asking that somewhere between starting and quitting time and without infringing too much on the time usually devoted to lunch period, coffee breaks, rest periods, story telling, ticket selling, vacation planning, and the rehashing of yesterdays TV programs, that each employee endeavor to find some time that can be set aside and known as the WORK BREAK.

To some, this may seem a radical innovation, but we honestly believe the idea has great possibilities. It can conceivably be an aid to steady employment and it might also be a means of assuring regular pay checks.

While the adoption of the Work Break Plan is not compulsory, it is hoped that each employee will find enough time to give the plan a fair trial.

The Management

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator’s Society) if they ever get it organized.

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

“Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

“Why don’t you people leave me alone?” the deli owner said. “I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year…and you want to know how I made $80,000?”

“It’s not your income that bothers us,” the agent said. “It’s these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife.”

“Oh, that,” the owner said smiling. “Didn’t I mention? We deliver anywhere…”

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.

“Your workers, they’re escaping!” cries the visitor. “You’ve got to stop them.”

“Don’t worry, they’ll be back,” says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o’clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, “Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?”

“Forget the machines,” says the visitor. “How much do you want for that whistle?”

Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan’s well-oiled economic machine. It’s only a mater of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.

What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it’s something much more economically debilitating – and permanent.

Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan. What’s more, two of them are from New York!

The decline has begun.

Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.

But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.

If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it’s the presence of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?