A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

Little Miky replied:  They couldn’t get a baby sitter.

A: I have a perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

I am seven months pregnant and my 8 year old daughter asks me how big the baby is now. I tell her it’s roughly the size of a large banana.

She replies: “Then why is your butt the size of a watermelon?”

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”

So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” The Collie replies, “That’s not good enough.”

The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.” She says, “That’s not creative enough.”

Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone . . . cheese mine.”

So there was this guy at the bar, and he looks over at this other guy sitting there who has a small one-foot man on the counter playing the piano. He scratches his head in wonder, then orders a beer.

Then the guy leans over and says, “If you rub that bottle over there, a genie will come out, and you can ask him for anything, and he will grant it to you.”

So the guy goes over to the bottle and rubs it and says, “I want to be rich.” And all of a sudden the guy grows this horrible nose with a wart on the end of it and some long ratty hair.

And the guy turns to the other guy at the bar and says, “I said I wanted to be rich, not be a witch!!!”

And the other guy looks at him and says “Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist???”

Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
Yes, pregnancy.

How do you fit 500 babies in a shoebox?
Cuisineart.

Should I have a baby after 35?
No, 35 children is enough.

How do you put a baby in a blender?
Feet first, so you can watch the expression on his face.

Do I have to have a baby shower?
Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.