A dog thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house, and take good care of me… They must be gods.
A cat thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house and take good care of me…
I must be a god.
There once was a bear and a rabbit and they hated each other. The bear and rabbit then stumbled upon a magical talking tree. The tree said: ” I will grant you 3 wishes a piece if you will stop fighting! ”
So the bear went first. “I wish all the bears in the forest are females.” And all the bears in the forest turned into females.
The rabbit said: “I wish I had a helmet.” Rabbit gets the helmet and the bear looks at him funny.
The bear wishes: “I wish all the bears in the country are females.” The wish was granted.
The rabbit says, “I wish I have a motorcycle.” By this point the bear thinks the rabbit is the stupidest thing he is ever seen. The rabbit could wish for money and have all the motorcycles in the world.
The bear says: “I wish all the bears in the world are female.” The wish is granted.
When it is the rabbit is turn to wish, he puts on his helmet, gets on his motorcycle, and says: ” I wish that bear is gay. “
A dog thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house, and take good care of me… They must be gods.
A cat thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house and take good care of me…
I must be a god.
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying waste-baskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.
The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.”
“Incredible! ” exclaimed the man. I can’t believe it. Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!
“No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don’t – If that man finds out I can talk, he make me answer the phone too!”
A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.
A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rot’s butt, and the action immediately stopped.
The lady was amazed. “How did you do that?” she asked.
The little boy said, “That’s my dog! He can dish it out, but he can’t take it!”
A young missionary on his first trip to Africa is away from camp having devotions in a quiet clearing, as was his custom. This one particular day, while reading his Bible, a lion comes and lays down right beside him; so close that the hot warm smell of his breath is wafting over him.
He is, as you would suppose, exceedingly uneasy. He closes his eyes, praying… but when he opens them he sees another approach from the brush, which proceeds to lie down on the other side of him.
Convinced as he is that this is a test of his faith, he determines to return to his Bible reading. As soon as he does so, the two lions pounce upon and devour him.
Moral of the story: Don’t read between the “Lions.”
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”
The farmer replied, “Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?”
The actuary answered, “Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four.”
They crossed a Collie and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
They crossed a Spitz and a Chow-Chow. The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
They crossed a Pointer and a Setter. The new breed is a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
They crossed a Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund. The new breed is a Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
They crossed a Pekingese and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is Peekasso, an abstract dog.
They crossed a Irish Water Spaniel and a English Springer Spaniel. The new breed is a Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean.
They crossed a Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever. The new breed is a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of laboratory researchers.
They crossed a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound. The new breed is a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
They crossed a Bloodhound and a Labrador. The new breed is a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
They crossed a Malamute and a Pointer. The new breed is a Moot Point, owned by….oh, well, it doesn’t really matter.
They crossed a Collie and a Malamute. The new breed is a Commute, a dog that travels to work.
They crossed a Deerhound and a Terrier. The new breed is a Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end.
They crossed a Bull Terrier and a ShihTzu. The new breed is a uhh, I’ll get back to you on that….
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s butt and say, ‘Lets do it!’ And, she’s always sound asleep.”
